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| Gabriel Neffke. |
Tender little hearty us with tampered broken brains,
gleaming glittering eyes like old window panes!
orifice of the world to the precarious decisions
of the wounded hearts and confusing visions.
smiling to the world with tears in our eyes,
hoping to be noticed by dark passer-bys.
They are too busy to look as they walk
away engrossed in their cheerful talk!
we feel like a distasteful bland wall
of brick and cement ready to fall...
crumbling paint old haggard look
standing upfront an effort took!
In us resides a vision so bright
of glorious days and nights.
we with our broken brain
and hushed huge pain
shattered sad hearts
lost in buried pasts
uttering our byes
in dreamy eyes
living wishing
heart aching,
hoping for,
amour or
concern
or care.
for us
me
I
.
Written for Photo Challenge at MindLoveMisery!
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Also shared with Imaginary Garden with Real Toads for open link Monday!
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Also shared with Imaginary Garden with Real Toads for open link Monday!
First of all I love the form and the rhythm. Powerful emotional piece, there is a lot of depth to this piece and it speaks expertly of human psychology
ReplyDeletethank u !! :)
DeleteYes, lovely composition inverted triangle shape, yes basically I love waiting!
ReplyDeletethank you Leovi...
DeleteYou maintained the rhyme as well as the pattern ... wow .. too good :-)
ReplyDeleteThank you Amrit!!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, the pattern of rhyme and verse is interesting. Also, you provide a link to that :"alone in a crowd feeling" in a subtle way, which makes it very effective. I resonate with your words. Well-penned. :-)
ReplyDelete-HA
Thank you HA!
DeleteAs all say the pattern!! is amazing and very beautifully and intelligently you have kept it as well as the flow of the poem. Good one!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you V...
DeleteIt looks nice ........and intense......great read!
ReplyDeleteThank you Sreeja...
DeleteVery tough -- and brainy -- work here, keeping up a seamless argument with corresponding meter and rhyme while trimming more and more away from the lines. Exercises like this can become more about the exercise than the poem, but this stays true throughout. It's a wonder that a broken brain can sing, but maybe only broken brains can.
ReplyDeleteBlue... the hearts sings.... thank you... it was not so much as exercise... it was quite simple...
Deletethis touched me the way i sometimes see things, observe people. when i walk or drive on any particular day i always wonder if they see me and like i being curious about them if they too are curious about me. poignant piece. gracias for the visual form, also. affective. I do that sometimes
ReplyDeleteThank you marco... m glad you enjoyed this..
DeleteLove the form....This reminds me of lyrics in Pink Floyd's "Another Brick In The Wall." Your piece speaks so vividly of the need for love/connection.
ReplyDeleteThank you susie... I tried really hard
Delete.
"...hushed huge pain
ReplyDeleteshattered sad hearts"
Such painful silence...
Magaly thank you for atopping by...
DeleteThe shape and rhyme work so well together in this piece. Great write.
ReplyDeleteThank you kathryn..
DeleteLove the way your poem drains down to and at the same time totters on that tiny supporting "I".
ReplyDeleteThank you mark...
DeleteI'm having a very strange moment right now. I was sure I commented on this poem. Maybe I was dreaming. Hm...
ReplyDelete"...hushed huge pain
shattered sad hearts"
These lines make feel all kinds of deep things. I'm now thinking of a heart that speaks in shatters.
Yes magaly you did comment but thank you again...
DeleteVery innovative way of doing it Arushi! The visual and the rhyming are outstandingly done despite the tightness. Brilliant!
ReplyDeleteHank
Thank you hank!!!
DeleteExcellent concrete poetry, Arushi. Your skill is shown in maintaining both shape and rhymes throughout.
ReplyDeleteThank you kerry...
DeleteIt all comes down to that finite point... me. Extremely effective way to write this!
ReplyDeleteYes george a universe revolves around 'me' . Thank you..
DeleteThe poem is as penetrating as the pointed shape suggest, yet also whimsical and serious at once. I know how much work it takes to make one of these--very effective and well-crafted piece.
ReplyDeleteThank you...
DeleteI too love the concrete form and shape and that ending I - so well done ~
ReplyDeleteThank you Grace...
DeleteFor us, me, I....love that and the image you picked to muse from...such a sharp point made the shape is befitting. Well done!
ReplyDeleteHaannah the image was a prompt from MindLoveMisery!!! Thanks...
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